


Polina

by alekuzu



Category: Brat'ya Karamazovy | Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Genre: F/M, Half-Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2018-12-25 22:20:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12045471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alekuzu/pseuds/alekuzu
Summary: AU where Smerdyakov is a woman."What can possibly go wrong?" - Ivan, before everything went wrong.





	1. Polina falls for Ivan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Polina finds herself longing to be held by her master, Ivan Karamazov.

When Ivan Karamazov arrived in town, he drew everyone’s attention. He was a respectful and educated man. He was quiet and reserved, yet he was not afraid of expressing himself whenever he considered it necessary. He was usually alone reading books, papers and taking notes on everything he considered interesting. In his father’s house, he also drew someone’s attention: The maid and cook, Smerdyakova. Whenever he spoke, it was almost as if he thoughtfully chose his tone, quite deep, quite delicate. She loved hearing his voice. At the beginning, Ivan barely called for her. It was usually his father, Fyodor, who made the commands. Ivan and Fyodor spent the nights together at the dining table and Smerdyakova brought them food and anything they wanted. It was this way that she became interested in the things Ivan had to say. Ivan was a very talented and thoughtful man; she noticed this and found herself agreeing with everything that came out of his mouth.

She liked staying in the dining room awaiting for the commands of her masters. Fyodor noticed this and attributed it to the arrival of Ivan. “She’s always here whenever you come for dinner.” He mentioned, but Ivan did not pay more attention to this. She was just a maid.

She was aware of her origins. It was said that her mother was an idiot of the town and that she was the product of a rape. Her mother died after giving birth. She never talked about this and nobody else brought the subject. The rumours also said that the one responsible for what happened to her mother was no one but Fyodor, who ‘kindly’ accepted giving her his name when her caretakers took her. That was how she got her name, Polina Fyodorovna Smerdyakova.

She was taciturn and very introverted. It seemed like she was rather contemplative, but she was actually very obnoxious. She seemed to despise everyone and everything was indifferent to her. That was until she met Ivan. He was a man worth of admiration and that was new for her. She found certain enjoyment in serving him. After some time, Ivan started commanding her and she was more than pleased to attend and do everything he asked for.

She spent her time contemplating Ivan’s figure, his crossed legs, his hands turning the pages and his face, tired but refined. She knew that the man in front of her was possibly her own half-brother, but she could not help but to wonder what would it be like to be held by him. It was the first time she had this kind of thoughts towards a man and she was surprised and slightly nervous. She despised Ivan’s brothers and father, they were nothing like him. She always thought she could be a rightful bearer of the name Karamazov, but she was not, so she thought it would be fun to at least play with the only one she considered worth of respect in that family.

Maybe she did it out of hatred, maybe it was something else that drove her, but she decided to go for what she wanted. She started sending Ivan slight messages of what she desired. He was an intellectual man and she knew it, so she complimented him on his unique way of thinking. She sent him very subtle hints when she spoke, admiring his looks, adding a soft, sensual tone on her voice. Ivan was not sure about what was happening there, he did not take her sayings quite seriously, mostly because he was confused. But then she jumped to more obvious hints: Slight ‘accidental’ touches and not so subtle ones, offering him massages on his neck and shoulders. She showed him her body seductively, always looking for his eyes with a mischievous look. It was obvious now that she was very into him.

It took Ivan a couple of days to decide properly. He kept thinking on what to do about Polina, pretending he was not aware of what was going on. He was indeed in love with another woman at that time, but if Polina was the pleaser she pretended to be, it could not be that bad after all.

One night after the dinner, when Fyodor and the other servants were already in their rooms, Ivan came to her when she was cleaning the kitchen. She was almost finished when he came in.

“What can I do for you, sir?” She asked.  
“Something you hadn’t done before. Something you’d like to do with me.”  
“There are a lot of things I’d like to do with you, sir.”  
He walked to her, grabbed her head and kissed her. She placed her arms around him and kissed him deeply. Kissing Polina was not something he was eager for, but he had no idea on how to approach a maid. He never had one before and he certainly never thought about having one as his woman, so he decided to be pretty bold and straightforward. He stroked her back and waist, then ran his hands down her chest, rubbing her breasts.

“Unbutton your shirt.” He said. She was surprised for a moment, but then she did as he requested and she started unbuttoning her shirt slowly without breaking eye contact with him. She was prideful after all. Whenever she was doing chores inside she never wore more than a long black skirt and a long sleeved white shirt. When she reached the lower buttons, she opened it, showing him her small breasts. Ivan was pleased at her submission. Her face showed a slightly embarrassed and defiant expression. She was thin and with a small body complexion. It was quite shocking seeing such a small and thin woman with those light blue eyes full of disdain, and yet she was there, exposing herself before this man she barely knew. He was embarrassed to admit it, but he liked those eyes, her collarbones, her small breasts and how her black skirt fit her thin and small body perfectly, clinging to her waist and showing her hipbones.

He placed his hands around her neck and her shoulders, opening the shirt a little more so he could see more of her body. It was estrange to look at her face and feel her skin. He had never touched her before and he felt slightly apprehensive doing something so intimate with her. He moved down his hands and grabbed her breasts. She looked at Ivan’s hands squeezing her boobs and rubbing her nipples. She blushed and breathed through her mouth; she was embarrassed but she liked it. He asked her to turn around. She did as he asked and he pulled her skirt up. Her heart was pumping; she thought she would be ready for something like this, but it was much more than she expected.

She never let her emotions show, but she was perturbed and almost unable to move. She looked at her hands, unsteady. He pulled her underwear down and stroked her buttocks and thighs, between her legs for a while. She shivered at his touch and felt tingling swelling inside her. She found this annoying and pleasant at the same time. She felt the tip of Ivan’s dick teasing her wet entrance. “Just do it already.” She thought, hoping her swelling would go away once he was inside. He pushed himself inside her and she bent in pain, letting a small grunt out. He grabbed her by the hips and began stroking her. It was estrange, the swelling and Ivan’s dick inside her. It felt good but it also hurt. She groaned and he placed a hand on her mouth. She tried to be quiet; they were in the kitchen after all. After the first strokes, the swelling finally went away. It felt so good how he filled her. Luckily for her, the position did not allow him to go too deeply, so every stroke felt just right. He played with her boobs and kept thrusting. She was really enjoying it. She moaned and asked for more. She could not believe this was happening. She had never done something like this before and she really liked it. He reached his climax and came inside her, leaving her wishing for more.

They had many encounters in Ivan’s room after this. Some weeks, she went to his room almost every night. At the beginning, Ivan was still apprehensive. He tried to find any position that allowed him to avoid looking directly at her face when they were together. Conversely, she tried to do the opposite, looking at his face, kissing his lips. Eventually he got used to it and ended up enjoying it; it made everything easier for both.

She was aware that Ivan’s heart still belonged to another woman, and she knew all of this was only temporary, so she kept paying him late night visits, keeping it exclusively sexual. None of them cared much about the other’s real feelings. Everything was good until one day she realized it had been a while since she got her period. She freaked out but she did not say a word about it to Ivan. She ignored the physical fatigue and kept laying with him, putting the situation aside until she was completely sure about it. “I’ll figure it out somehow.” But while she was at it, one night Ivan came home really exasperated and locked himself in his room, he didn’t even have dinner or tea and he didn’t ask for Polina that night. The next morning, he parted with a small suitcase. “I’m going to Moscow. Do not wait for me.” 


	2. Merry reunion at Fyodor Karamazov's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan came back with good news and Fyodor makes a gathering to celebrate, but Ivan wasn't ready for what he found.

And just like that, Ivan was gone. He left to the station and disappeared for almost 3 months. Later it was known that he left after Katerina Ivanovna. He was decided to win her heart. She went to Moscow to settle down some legal arrangements for a land she inherited recently and she wanted to stay there for a couple of weeks. She told Ivan she was leaving just a day before. He was completely out of his mind, for he wasn’t planning on returning to Moscow just yet, but after quarreling with her that afternoon, he told her –he had decided it long ago, but he just wanted to make her feel guilty for her actions– he was going with her.

And so, the months passed. Polina’s pregnancy became visible, but it wasn’t until she fell ill and Fyodor had to call a doctor that he knew she was pregnant. He was upset with the situation. He was mad at her for her “irresponsibility” and because a new child would mean a new mouth to feed. Above all, he was mad because she refused to tell him who was the father. She was not only “easy” she was also arrogant, and Fyodor despised her insubordination. Grigory shamed her and although Marfa wanted to help her, she was afraid of her husband and her master.

The time came when Katerina and Ivan planned their return. She became Ivan’s betrothed. This time they would be living together and were planning on getting married. When Fyodor heard the big news, he decided to make a dinner to welcome Katerina in their family. He asked Alyosha to come, but not Dmitri. He couldn’t stand Dmitri since he ran away with Grushenka. He ordered Polina to cook because he was a family gathering.

When the night came, Alyosha was with Fyodor since earlier that day. Ivan and Katerina arrived at night. When Ivan came through the door, Polina was about to welcome him when she noticed he had come with Katerina. Ivan was startled when he saw she had around 4 months of pregnancy. None of them exchanged any words and somehow the evening continued.

During the dinner, Polina was standing with a severe expression, as usual, near the door that leaded to the kitchen. She attended their requests and cleaned the used dishes. Ivan tried not to look at her, while Katerina couldn’t help but wondering why they had to make a young pregnant woman work as a maid and cook. Fyodor noticed Katerina’s curiosity and brought the topic to the table as Polina brought a new plate of meats and took the used ones. He called her despicable names and made a gesture as if he was going to hit her because of her behavior. She reacted but didn’t say anything and her face stayed the same, as if she was used to be humiliated in that way.  

“I’ve offered her to have the baby here in my house with only one condition. I want her to tell me who is the miserable that got her pregnant. And she’s so stubborn she won’t tell me. She doesn’t say anything. No one knows the name of the one responsible of this. Am I to think the Holy Spirit suddenly descended and conceived her? You tell her, Ivan. She always listens to you, that pig-head.”

Ivan felt his heart was about to come out, but Polina left the room in that moment. He managed to stay calm and answer his father’s question.  
“I think you should leave her alone. She won’t speak if she doesn’t want to. It’s no use to force people to speak beyond their limitations. I think you should just support her.”  
“You’ve become such a softie, Ivan. What about you, Alyosha? What do you think?”  
“I think the same as Ivan. I think you should support her, father. She must have her reasons. Besides, remember what happened to her mother. It’s possible that the same thing had happened to her and that’s why she doesn’t want to talk about it.”  
“The sa- What? Oh, forget it! To hell with that bastard.” Fyodor felt insulted and continued eating rather angry. Ivan was completely silent. He took a glimpse at the door and Polina was standing there, staring at him. They glanced at each other a couple of times. Ivan felt suddenly ill. He put his elbows on the table and his hands on his head. He was breathing heavily and excused himself out saying he was having a cigarette.

He went out to the yard. Polina went to the kitchen and pretended to be busy, then followed him. Without looking at her, he put out the cigarette.  
“I guess I can’t smoke when you’re around anymore.”  
She gave a faint smile as to thank him.  
“So… Are you going to tell me?”  
“Tell you what?”  
“The reason why you won’t tell anyone who got you pregnant… It’s because it’s me, right?”  
“Why do you care?” She said and approached him. “But if you want to know, the answer is yes.” She smiled haughty looking at Ivan’s eyes.  
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone.”  
“Is that what you’re worried about?” She caressed his cheek. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone… with one condition.”  
“If it’s money what you want I can give you-“  
“I don’t want your money.” She said slightly angry. “Listen. The reason why this happened was not because you’re so charismatic, nor that it was just a onetime mistake. This happened because both you and I liked laying with each other. You enjoyed fucking me. You loved it. You can’t deny it. You used to come to me yourself. You loved coming inside me and I loved feeling your warm cum between my thighs.”  
“What is it that you want?” He asked visibly agitated and looking away.  
“I want you to lay with me.”   
“So that was it?” He said almost with relief and took a deep breath. “You have a deal.”  
“You have to come to me every week. If you stop coming and I don’t hear from you in a while, I’ll tell the entire world our little secret.” She placed a kiss on his lips and went back inside the house. He had another cigarette before going back.

She returned to clean the table and Katerina offered her help, but Polina refused. Katerina couldn’t help but feeling sorry for her. She excused herself for a moment and in the hall, she met Polina. She wanted to help this poor creature and she told her that even if Fyodor didn’t want to help her at the end, she could count on her. When Ivan came in, he saw both women talking and he felt petrified, but when he overheard what they were talking about, he calmed down and joined their conversation.  
“You can count on us. See, Katya is an angel.” He said, looking at her and pulling her closer for a kiss. Polina stared at him.  
“I’m sure she is.” She said forcing a polite smile that came out too natural, as if she was used to lie and fake emotions all the time. “Now, if you excuse me, I have to finish cleaning.”  
When the evening was over, they said their good-byes and left after Alyosha. When they crossed the door, Katerina tried to wave good-bye to Polina, but she ignored her and looked away.  
“What’s with her?”  
“She’s one of a kind.” Replied Ivan, laughing.


	3. Ivan's filthy secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan somehow keeps up with Polina's game, but Fyodor suspects... His relationship with Katerina takes a step forward.

It was Monday already, but Ivan kept postposing his “visit”. Thursday,  Friday… and now it was Saturday. He arrived home and found a nightmare. Polina was there, sitting in his living room, having tea with Katerina. He felt a cold flash. He couldn’t even decide if he had to panic or if he had to pretend everything was still alright. She had apparently came with a message from Fyodor. He wanted to discuss with Ivan what was going to happen to all the stuff in his room. Katerina took this opportunity to remind Polina she could count on her, and Polina didn’t miss this chance. She asked Katerina her address in Moscow, just in case one day she needed to communicate with her. Katerina gave her the address without hesitating. She was truly kind-hearted. She also was of the opinion that whoever did this to her, should be responsible. She even offered her a lawyer. But when Ivan arrived, Katerina told him the reason of Polina's visit and all they were talking about.  
  
“I couldn’t help but empathizing with Polina at your father’s gathering.”  
‘Polina? Of all the people in the world you could feel sorry for…’ Ivan thought.  
“I gave her your address in Moscow too. Just in case she can’t contact me while we’re there. Is that ok?”  
He was quiet for a moment. Even if he had any complaints, he wasn’t in any position to speak them out. “Yes, my dear. That’s great.”  
Polina smiled at him maliciously. It was quite obvious that she went there to threaten him, and while she was on it, she got valuable information. He was totally trapped.  
  
When Sunday came, he had no other option but to go to Polina. He stood in front of the door for a couple of minutes, questioning all his decisions in life. Finally, he decided to call in. Fyodor wasn’t there, which made things easier.  
“You’re finally here.”  
“Let’s get this over.”  
Once they got to Ivan’s room, which still had most of his belongings, he took off his coat without saying anything. She gazed at him for a while, then put her arms around his neck and kissed him. When he felt her body against his, he remembered all the things she had made him feel and all his doubts suddenly went away. Besides her belly that had gotten bigger, he also noticed she wasn’t that skinny anymore. Not that she was fat, not even a little, but her bones weren’t as visible as before. She finally looked like a real woman and not like a miserable skinny kid. Or that’s what he thought when he had her that afternoon. He wasn’t even aware, but he had come to love seeing her face with that haughty smile, and hearing her moaning in pleasure and begging for more, even feeling her playful cold hands on his back. She made him feel… a little bit proud, something that Katerina never did. Starting from the fact that she had never let him have her just yet. She was too prideful. Polina, in the other hand, had her pride, but she didn’t mind being submissive just to please Ivan.

However, when he left he felt unutterably guilty. He had worked so hard to gain Katerina’s heart and now he was cheating on her. Although it’d be more accurate to say that he was cheating on her almost since the beginning. He couldn’t run away from Polina now. What else was he supposed to do? If only she would disappear…

He didn’t dare to miss a date. He was upset at the beginning, but then he started getting used to her again. He found himself visiting her more than once a week. Fyodor soon noticed Ivan was coming regularly when he wasn’t home and eventually asked Polina directly.  
“You and Ivan had been seeing each other secretly, haven’t you?” She stayed quiet. “Tell me the truth, Smerdyakova! Is Ivan the father of the child you carry in your womb!?”  
“You won’t believe me anyway, so I think you should ask him instead.”

He asked her when would he come and he stayed to interrogate him. When Ivan showed up, he didn’t pay much attention to Fyodor, but he asked him directly what he wanted to know. He told him he knew about his secret visits to Polina. She was present in their discussion but didn’t say a word. Ivan felt cornered and ended up confessing.  
“Yes. Yes, father. It’s true. I am the one. I got her pregnant before I left to Moscow.”  
“And still you dared to betroth yourself to Katerina Ivanovna?”  
“I didn’t know she was pregnant until I came back.”  
“We can’t let anyone know any of this.” Said Fyodor unexpectedly. “It’s your life, but it’s my name you are ruining with this outrage! The maid! And in my own house! Go. Do whatever you want with her. Just don’t let anyone else hear a word about this.”

From that day, he was free to see Polina whenever he wanted. Fyodor didn’t know why Ivan would still want to see Polina so often, but he was ok with it. In fact, it looked like he approved it. The least she could do after ruining his son like that was pleasing him. There was no point in telling Fyodor she was threatening him for sex. It would only make her situation worse, which meant she could at any point open her mouth. The best he could do was to keep her happy. Besides, what Polina said was true. He liked laying with her. Physically, it relaxed him more than anything ever did; and mentally, he liked feeling proud. He loved feeling desired and Polina knew this very well. All of this actually had a very positive effect on him. He stopped being so stubborn and quarrelling with Katerina for superfluous matters. He even stopped being so insistent about letting him have her before their marriage, which Katerina found strange. However, without all of this, she also was more relaxed. Seeing her future husband like that reminded her of how much she was actually in love with him. That man who was so intelligent, sophisticated and eloquent, she suddenly found him more attractive than ever. They were planning on getting married with the arrival of spring. There was still plenty of time and she thought she had made him wait enough.

The night she decided she wanted to be with him, she dressed up and waited for him. When he saw her, he was confused.  
“Are we celebrating something?”  
“Yes. We’re celebrating our love.” She welcomed him with a big smile. She had dressed up just for him and he was flattered. She was more beautiful than ever, and more affectionate too. He made an image in his mind, but still he wanted to be sure and he asked her directly. She blushed slightly and smiled, nodding her positive answer timidly. After all, he was going to be her rightful husband. There couldn’t be any wrong with that.

Katerina was simply gorgeous. She was young and beautiful, but she was also smart and good-hearted. Whenever she left her pride aside, she could smile and behave like an innocent merry child. Ivan found that she was surprisingly shy and docile. It’s not that he didn’t like her prideful side, he adored her just the way she was, but seeing her timid smile made him love her even more.

Taking this new step brought them closer than ever. Ivan was completely delighted. He had all of Katerina’s love for himself. She had given him all of herself in body and soul, and it made him feel so reassured, he thought couldn’t be happier. They started sleeping together after that night. Since she was no longer a virgin, she would let him have her as many times as he wanted. She eventually learned what Ivan liked, and she found out she actually enjoyed pleasing him. She was troubled by only one thought: How come Ivan was so experienced in this matter? Was that the same reason why he was so insistent about it? Whatever the answer was, she let it be. She liked that he was the one to take the lead. As much as Ivan was pleased, he couldn’t help but thinking it was so different from his encounters with Polina. She meant nothing to him, so he was rough. He liked being mean to her and the other way round. He couldn’t be like that to Katerina. He was pleased, but still he felt like something was missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The filthy secret is that he is into SM.


	4. Breakup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things have to come to an end in Ivan's poor life decisions (yeah it should be the subtitle of the fic.)  
> He chooses to finish one of his relationships and things turn out worse than he ever expected.

Now that Ivan could get satisfaction in his own place, he started missing Polina’s dates. He was absent for almost two weeks and she started accepting on her mind that she had lost Ivan to that woman forever. She was certain about what she had to do. She was not willing to let a Karamazov ruin her life again.

One morning, she tranquilly took one of the knives from the kitchen and went to her room. There, she kneeled on the floor and sat resting on her ankles. She took the knife and contemplated it for a while. Her mind was blank; she was acting out of determination. She tested the weight of the metal and observed the edge, she knew very well how sharp it was and she smiled. She took the knife with both hands and, taking a deep breath, stuck it in her womb as fast and as deep as she could. She let a muffled scream out and twisted in pain, but she did not have time for hesitating, so she took it out and stuck it again and a third time. She could barely feel her hands, adrenaline running through all her body. She moved the knife inside her womb as to cut inside all she could, but even with that much adrenaline, the pain was unbearable and she ended up screaming loudly as she took the knife out. The servants Marfa and Grigory ran to her room after hearing her screams and found her there. She was still holding the knife and crying in pain. Her white underwear dress was soaked in red and the floor where she was sitting was a puddle of blood.

She was taken to a hospital and the wounds were treated, leaving her with scars all across her womb. She had a miscarriage shortly after the incident and she was very weak after losing so much blood. She was delirious and kept crying and screaming, but she was so weak she lost conscious for two days.

The nature of the incident made the authorities think she had a psychotic attack and she was not sane, so she was put in a mental hospital. Although there were not death penalties anymore, having an abortion was still considered a serious crime. However, to everyone’s eyes, it looked like she was rather mentally ill, so she was not put into prison for the miscarriage. She blamed everything on Ivan. She accused him of abusing of her several times and not taking responsibility of what he did to her.

Fyodor hurried to let Ivan know about the incident and about Polina’s declarations against him. “You have to see her before the entire town knows it was you!”  
Ivan tried to make him lower his voice. He arrived at the worst moment, Ivan was not alone and Katerina had been listening as she slowly came from a door. She felt a cold flash on all her body. Her limbs got cold and she was paralyzed. Her own fiancé was the man who got that unhappy woman pregnant. She couldn’t utter a word, she felt weak and fainted.

It was a disaster. Ivan called Doctor Herzenstube and stayed with Katerina until she got better. He couldn’t care less if people knew he had laid with his maid or if she was accusing him of abusing of her. None of this mattered to him if Katerina was to hate him. He stayed by her side holding her hand. He was not ready to let her go yet, though he knew that he had no opportunity anymore now that she knew the truth. As much as Katerina had showed him she could be the most loving woman, he was sure of one thing: She wasn’t forgiving. She had certain values she would protect at all cost, and even if she still loved Ivan with all her heart, that she would have loved to forgive him, no matter the public humiliation, she couldn’t betray herself. She had to live by her values. That’s why he knew everything was over.

She recovered her conscious and once she saw him, she started crying painfully.  
“Why are you here?”  
He also cried seeing her reaction. It was clear that she had taken a decision already.  
“Go away, Ivan.”  
“Katya, please. Anything but that. Please.” He tried to keep holding her hand, but she took it away.  
“Please, Ivan. Don’t make it harder than it is for me. You know me very well. Now, please, go away and never come back.” She uttered these words between cries and tears.  
Doctor Herzenstube gave him a look.  
“Please, Ivan Fyodorovich, she needs to rest.”  
He finally admitted his defeat and walked to the door. Fyodor was waiting for him in the other room. When Katerina saw him, she yelled at him. “And you, Sir, go away! I never want to see you again!”

It was hard to tell who was the worst. Ivan, who had lied and cheated on her or Fyodor, who covered the filthy lies of his own son. She regretted everything and wished she had never loved him. If only he would’ve been honest since the beginning, everything would’ve been different. Even if he had told her that he made a mistake before proposing to her, she would’ve forgiven him. She even thought for a moment that if he had been honest with her since the beginning, she would have taken the child in her care. –She wasn’t aware that Ivan had kept on seeing Polina after they came back, that would’ve made things even worse–. However, she made the decision after knowing what kind of men were Ivan and Fyodor, she just couldn’t trust them anymore.  
   
Ivan was furious when they came out of the house and parted his way from Fyodor without saying a word. He went to visit Polina in the mental hospital. At first, they denied his request, but Polina said she was willing to meet Ivan. He wanted to ask her why she did it and why she was blaming it on him. He wanted to know if it was true that she had a psychotic attack and he wanted her to take her accusations back, but since he was the ‘aggressor’ and they were inside the hospital, he had to act calm and courteously.

He entered the room where she was. She was physically and mentally tired for such a nuisance, but she had agreed on the visit before, so she had to pull herself together and talk to him. Although it had been only two days, she slowly sat on her bed, her womb covered with several bandages. She had dark circles around her eyes and she was even slimmer than when she was in the Karamazov house.

“What do you want?” She asked.  
“Are you feeling well?”  
“Yes.”  
“Why did you do this?”  
“Do what?”  
“Why did you cut your womb and kill… the child?”  
She looked at him for a couple of seconds, her eyes showed anger. With her weak voice, she spoke defiantly.  
“If I can’t have you, there is no point to it. I would rather die than give birth to your son.”  
“How can you decide on a human’s life like that?”  
“Please, do not pretend you care, Sir.”  
He was quiet for a moment.  
“Why are you blaming it on me? Were you planning on doing this since the beginning?”  
“No woman plans to stab her womb repeatedly. This is entirely your fault.”  
“What do you mean it’s my fault? You agreed on this since the beginning. I gave you my word.”  
“And you didn't keep it. I haven’t spoken anything that is not true. I don’t hate you, Sir, but the rest of the town does. They’ve heard about what you did to the poor, helpless maid of yours and how you drove her into insanity to the point that she tried to kill herself.”

Ivan was petrified. She did not have a psychotic fit like the doctors said; she was completely sane and in all her senses. She premeditated harming herself to the point that her life would be in serious danger, but she did not care. She really meant it when she said she'd rather die, she was ready to die the day she cut her womb.

“It is not my fault that I had to step over you in order to get rid of the child and your family. You lost, Ivan Fyodorovich. I got what I wanted, and you know what? I would do it again.”  
“You little monster! You used me and manipulated everyone in this town! You might have fooled them, but I know what you really are!” He yelled and took her by her shirt. She did not flinch; she looked at him with defiant eyes and then smiled. The guard noticed Ivan’s attitude and took him away. They prohibited him to return and see Polina again.

She stayed in the hospital for the recovery, although she would have to stay there indefinitely because of her severe ‘mental disorder’. On his side, Ivan’s reputation was ruined. He had no other option but to return to Moscow as soon as he could.

Perhaps the scariest thing was that she never showed any remorse on anything she did. She did not have any consideration for other’s wellbeing or her own. She would look at the scars on her womb and be indifferent about them, but when she remembered Ivan’s perturbed face on their last encounter, she laughed.


	5. Everlasting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That filthy twisted woman."  
> She didn't care about Ivan's feelings, she didn't care about his well-being or her own, but he was her reason to live. Her happiness was Ivan’s misery. She drained Ivan and doomed him. She did it, she finally really did it.

At the end, Polina managed to escape from the mental hospital. With the few money she had left, and knowing that she didn’t have a place to return anymore -there was no way Fyodor would accept her in his house anymore, and she didn't want to return there either-, she took the train to Moscow. She knew Ivan’s address thanks to Katerina and she didn’t waste a minute.

She waited for him in the hall of the building he lived in. When he arrived and saw that woman, poorly dressed for winter and with the same white shirt she was wearing in the mental hospital, he thought it was a hallucination. He walked a few steps and he was convinced she was real. He gave up every thought he might have had in that moment. He knew she would always find a way to manipulate him again. That his thoughts and feelings didn’t matter to her, so they shouldn’t matter to him either. It was easier that way, just to surrender. He went to her, grasped her wrists and kissed her. There were no words to say between them.

He took her to his room without releasing his grasp, he slammed her against the wall, kissing her neck. He ripped her shirt off and tied her wrists on her back with a rope. Only God knows why he had a rope in reach at that time. He took her by her hair and made her get down on her knees, taking the rest of her clothes off. He grabbed another piece of rope and whipped her back as hard as he could. She left some muffled screams out. He got down, kissed the red marks on her back and licked her neck and shoulder while taking off his belt and unzipping his pants. He made her bent over and started spanking her with his belt. Hearing her small cries excited him. He penetrated her and kept spanking her with the belt on his right hand, grabbing her hips with the left. With her hands tied on her back and her head on the floor, she couldn’t do much but grunting and whimpering. He took her by her hair and pushed her face against the floor.  
“Isn’t this what you came for?”

And taking her by her hair again he made her sit on his lap. He had longed for her ever since they parted. He grabbed her from the back and kept thrusting her. He traced her body to her neck, placed his hands around it and pressed it. He kept pressing until he heard her chocking, then let her go. There were tears on her eyes, trying to catch some breath and panting. It was the first time he had been so rough with her, but she liked it. She liked being manhandled by him, and above all, she loved it when he came inside her. It made her feel like he was hers, at least physically. He pulled her away and untied her hands.

She left her clothes on the floor and laid on his bed. She was physically exhausted. She barely slept on the train, and it took her hours to arrive at Ivan’s place on foot. She fell asleep while he was smoking. He looked at her laying on his bed. He saw the marks on her wrists and thought of how insane everything was, how insane she was. She made him feel all sort of things, but above all, she made him mad. She ruined his life and she didn’t even care. But somehow he couldn’t come to hate her. She really won. She had him in her hands, perhaps from the very moment he had her for the first time and he wasn’t even aware until now. He sat by her side contemplating her naked body and stroke her slowly. She was cold. He covered her with the comforter and sat on his desk to think and read for a while.

When she woke up almost an hour later, he had already put her clothes on the bed.  
“Get up, it’s late.” He told her from his desk. She sat slowly, still sleepy and confused. She didn’t know how long she had slept.  
“Get dressed and make the dinner. Here’s some money if you need to buy something.”  
  
And just like that, they started living together. It would be hard to guess what was on her mind on those times. She didn’t have anywhere to go and she had no idea how Ivan would react when he saw her. She used the last of her money and played her last card, as if there was nothing else after that. Perhaps if Ivan had turned her down that day, she would have just committed suicide. There was no point from the beginning. When she met Ivan, she fell in love with him –if the things she felt could be called “love”– and suddenly the world wasn’t such a terrible place anymore. It’d be rather said that she stopped caring about it, because now she had something that was important to her for the first time in her life.

But her happiness was also Ivan’s misery. He was trapped between two parts of himself. He wanted to go on with his life, but he also wanted to keep Polina for himself. He didn’t love her, but he couldn’t get away from her. It was outrageous and it made no sense, it bothered him to the point that he didn’t know if he hated her or if it was himself who he despised the most. He hated his lack of will and he hated how she manipulated him without a single word. Her mere existence was his prison. He soon found himself emotionally drained by this woman. He started drinking more than he should and coming home eager to have her. He’d felt asleep dead drunk and she would stroke his hair. She took care of him and made him soups and meals to make him feel better from his hangovers. She was ok with his drinking habits. In fact, when he drank at home, she would join him. Even when he was smoking, she would join him and he hated that he loved her for that. Katerina always hated when he smelled like tobacco, but Polina accepted it. She didn’t mind the taste of tobacco in his kisses, actually she tasted like that sometimes too. “That filthy twisted woman.” He thought, smiling.

His life had come to a turning point. He was no longer able to concentrate and produce any literary works. He also thought there was no point to any of it anymore and he had had enough. There was just nothing else in the future for him, nothing but him and Polina. He didn’t even feel anything anymore. He didn’t love or despise his existence, he just thought everything was draining. He saw her and thought she was the only one who could understand him. She was his partner. She wasn’t a simple woman. She was smart –she had outsmarted him from the beginning– and she loved him to death. For her, it was either one thing or the other. Love or death. Or maybe it could be both. He thought it all made sense finally. The reason why he was so fatally attracted to her wasn’t that they were meant to live together, but rather because they were meant to die together. That was the meaning of their existence, the end of it.

“Polina… Do you love me?”  
“You’re my entire life, Ivan.”  
“Would you do something for me if I ask you?”  
“Anything.”  
“Let me die with you.”  
“…”  
“I want to die, and I want to die with you. I don’t have the will to take my own life, but I know you do. You’re stronger than me. I saw you, when you were in the mental hospital. You were determined to die that time, and I think you still feel the same. You’re not afraid of death, and you don’t fear murdering. You killed our son back then. You’re the only one who can do it. You’re the only one for me.” He clung to her chest and kept like that waiting for her answer.  
She had a severe expression, as usual, even after listening to Ivan’s outrageous petition.  
“I’m glad you’ve decided you want to do it with me. I couldn’t be happier.” She smiled and kissed his head. He fell asleep in her arms. They spent countless nights like this, as if they were husband and wife.

One night, she served them some shots of vodka. She lit him a cigarette and took a big knife and a rope. “I hope you haven’t changed your mind.” She put the rope on his desk and placed the knife on the bed. She took his cigarette, took a drag on it and put it off. She unbuttoned his shirt, made him lay on the bed and pulled his pants down slightly. She took her clothes off and kissed his lips, his neck, his chest and his belly until he was aroused and ready. She straddled his hips and ride him leaning back with her hands on his shins for a while. Then she leaned forward, taking the knife in her hands and started stroking Ivan’s body with it. She stroke his cheek, his neck up to his chin and then went down to his waist and started making small cuts all over his skin. Blood started coming out slowly, forming small drops, wounds all over his body. It hurt him, but while she kept thrusting and dabbling, he found it all very pleasing. She leaned all the way forward and thrusted as deep as she could, rubbing herself against him until she reached her orgasm, moaning and slowing down. He clenched her hips and came inside her. She was panting. She leaned on him with the knife on her hands, and with all her strength, she cut his throat as deeply as she could. He didn’t even scream. Lots of blood started coming out of the cut, covering his neck and shoulders, dripping on the bed and forming a puddle under his neck.

“I love you.” She said, smiling at him. He couldn’t talk, as he was feeling cold and dizzy in just seconds. He tried to mouth it back, and everything before his eyes became blurry and dark.

She touched the blood dripping from his neck and then touched her own cheek, feeling the warm blood. She caressed his resting face and placed a kiss on his lips.

She fixed his clothes and dressed herself. She took the rope from the desk and after making a knot, she threw it through a pole. She climbed the stool and took a last look at Ivan. He looked so peaceful. The man she loved with all her might. Her entire life and her reason to be. He had proven his worth until the very last minute. Now it was her time to do the same. She put the rope around her neck and dropped the stool, hanging herself. It was slow and painful, feeling all the weight of her body pulling down and tightening the knot. It reminded her of how Ivan used to choke her, except that now she wasn’t going to catch a breath again. She closed her eyes tightly until she couldn’t feel anymore, ever happy that she was to die with the man she loved, and that he had loved her back until the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa I can't believe, these two are really fun to write. It's the worst relationship I've ever seen. He's a sensual and can't live without her, but he also can't live with her. A woman that isn't afraid of death and murder, and a man that despises himself and admires her determination. What could have gone wrong...


End file.
